Tales From the Roadside Pt.1
Think or Thwim (First published late 2000)
Britain almost sank this week, so while the rest of the world is watching whether the next president of the world will be Shrubbery or An Open Wound, we on the whole have been bailing out. The worst may be over now, as I write this, and although we didn't actually go under, we are definitely listing dangerously. The sad part is that some lives were lost and a large number of people have been made homeless, if only in the short term and on this score we have been looking at a tragedy. On the global scale of things, this was not even a disaster, when you consider:-
Johnstown 1889, where more than 2000 lost their lives.
Bangladesh 1998, where more than 30 million people were affected and an estimated 26,500 cattle were killed.
Boston 1919, where 21 people were killed by a flood of molasses.
There have been many more worse floods than these including the Great Flood that involve a bloke called Noah, but when the water is coming through your house these do not seem to matter.
So traffic has ground to a halt and the trains are not running at all in some parts of the country, which means they are keeping better time than they ever did. And the world is watching Florida.
Having spent an undisclosed amount of time on the WWW trying to research floods for this piece, I came across some surprising things:
1. There are over 20,000 websites relating to floods, ranging from government sites to humble, single page homepages.
2. Half of them seem to relate to predicting floods.
3. And the other half seem to give advice on what to do, now that you are flooded.
Now, points one and two I can understand. This is a subject that is affecting more and more people as the planet warms and we either have something to show or say about our experiences. It is also quite nice to know that we are about to flooded, so that we can move the valuables and children to a place of relative safety. But what is the point of putting up 10,000 websites about how to rescue yourself and prevent further damage or loss of life, when the basement is already full of water and I can't get the computer to boot up without any power?
But anyway, here is my advice to you:-
FLOOD AVOIDANCE TACTICS
1. Take out a detailed map of your home location.
2. Take a red pen in your writing hand.
3. Circle the names of every place, street, park, district etc. that includes any of the following words. CREAK, RIVER, FLATS*, PLAIN, LOW, MEADOW, LAKE etc. You will get the idea as you go along, anything that sounds vaguely watery or low down.
4. Now color-in all the areas, with the red pen, that actually contain water and a full two centimeters to all sides, to allow for overspill.
5. If you live near anything mountainous, you will also need to color the peaks and an area of two to three centimeters around to allow for slippage.
*FLATS is generally okay, if it is preceded by the word SALT.
You should by now have the point that I am getting at and will be making steps to either sell your property or give up your lease. And finally; if you do happen to be lucky enough not to be living in a red splodge, then where do you think that your neighbors will go when the rains come?
As a footnote, this piece was partly inspired by a friend who has aquaphobia and whilst trawling the WWW I came across a plumber called John C Flood, which seemed quite appropriate.
